Catherine...

where are you?

are you ok?

I got your IM... call me asap!!

More getting better today. Went to work and got to hang out with my 4 year olds. They were pretty good. I had the last ten minutes with the 2's and got to play with Lolo... Hunter's stuffed animal. It somehow got a blue nose...probably from some chalk or something. It was pretty funny. I made Hunter play simon says with me. He did really good. I feel so bad for him because he's always the last two to get picked up and if I don't distract him, he always gets really sad that he's the last kid. I've added a few things for the "guide":
(16) Stickers are every kids favorite reward... ok well next to ice cream.
(17) If you want a kid to get up from nap to eat snack, pretend to eat their snack... and they will snap out of bed before you can say "boo".
(18) Never mention "mom" "dad" "home" or "leaving" (even in a book you are reading) to any child that is homesick, I PROMISE it will end badly.
(19) Sharing can be a lost method among children, reinforce it or they will grow up to be those grownups you don't like.
(20) Don't play into the kids that start screaming and crying when they bump something just to get your attention or get the other kid in trouble... if no bruises or scrapes are showing, and no blood spilling, stand them up and let 'em loose again. If you give it attention, they'll think its worse than it really is.

So I got out of work late again. I'm worried because I'm hardly making anything only being there 3 hours a day and getting paid once a month. I'm literally going broke. Tomorrow I'll look for a second job. All of this was on my mind on the drive home and all the way to Andrew's front door. Then, I was greeted at the door by a beaming Andrew who led me to a candle lit dinner he made for me. He even splurged again for some wine. I quit thinking about money and thought about how I would be no where without his support and love. We had a great dinner and then we cuddled and watched a movie. :: sigh :: Why can't love solve everything? I wish it could earn us money...haha. Oh well we'll be happy and broke. Yay!

Alright, I'm not saying anything about the Pres on this one, I'm just not happy with this particular plan that government in general is promoting. They are about to sell off 304,370 acres of national forest in the U.S. (this is the protected stuff) to give money to rural schools and communities. It sounds good. It sounds inviting, but I am not sure if this is the right way to get rural communities money. Why do I care? Missouri has the second largest chunk of forest they will be selling, at approx. 22,000 acres of Mark Twain National Forest. Sadly, you have only until the 30th to contact your representatives or the USDA.

If you'd like to read an unbiased release... you can find it here:
http://www.fs.fed.us/news/2006/releases/02/secure-rural-schools.shtml

I think my lil kids are trying to see how far they can push me before I go insane. Hehe. Luckily, I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world and he cheered me up on an otherwise crappy day. I'm still trying to get over this freakin cold and I'm eager to be on break from school work, even though its not that pressing...its just annoying when I'm sooooo close to being done. So yeah, Andrew brought home some Chinese food while I made us some rice, and we sat and talked and ate yummy foods. Last night he made dinner (manicoti) and surprised me with wine. I'm too damn lucky.

Anyways, I've decided to write a quick "guide" to two through six year olds.
(1) Never ever give one child something that you don't give everybody in the class.
(2) Do not send a child to school in anything white, with lots of complicated zippers and/or ties, things that will get hooked on other things worn by other children, fuzzy materials that are impossible to clean, anything new or something thats worn as "good" clothes, dress shoes, so many layers that its possible the kid will have an accident in their pants before they can get their pants down for the potty, without gloves or a hat when its below 35, or jackets/coats with broken zippers and buttons.
(3) Send a child to the bathroom when they say they don't have to go, and ask them at least four times if they really have to go if they say they do.
(4) When changing diapers, make sure to expect the worse, and then hope your imagination will out-do reality.
(5) Kids are crabby after nap, always remind them that there's food waiting for them.
(6) When they mishave, tell them what they are doing wrong, but if they keep egging you on, its because they like your attention, don't give it to them.
(7) If one kid wants "up", then you'll be picking up at least three at a time for about fifteen minutes.
(8) Kid plus sticks ALWAYS = bad.
(9) Be careful what you teach them, it'll come back to bite you in the ass. Especially if it involves them talking or singing or spinning in circles.
(10) Grow a third arm which carries bandaids and kleenex. Keep some purrel near by.
(11) They look cute, but they aren't entirely innocent.
(12) Put your imagination cap on, you are in for a long ride.
(13) Kids plus sugar = mostly bad.
(14) If they run themselves ragid, they'll actually sleep through nap.
(15) At all costs, avoid the question "Why does he have one of those and I don't?" during bathroom time. Well... if you are the parent, I'd hope you'd explain.

There is a lot more to the guide, rest assure. I just thought 15 was a good number. Anyway, they drive me nuts sometimes, but they are still awesome.

Spring Break is almost here!! Which also means, I'll be coming to StL on this Saturday. So... I want to DO something on Saturday night. Particularly to celebrate a sister of mine's birthday... because she keeps getting older and making me feel even older. But I love her! I would call and see what she'd like to do... if shes not already working, leaving, or doing something else... but I hear she is at a pretty wicked concert. So, I'll call tomorrow. (Lucky!)

Life is just crazy. I've been so depressed lately about everything that goes on around me. I don't think that I'm supposed to be focused on it, but per my OCDness I obsess over it. I'm disappointed in humanity... ok, the majority of humanity. We are a materialistic race now, and money is our driving force for motivation. I feel physically sick over the crap that we do to our beautiful earth. No one seems to recognize the effects of every individual action we take. I'll sit here and bitch about it, but soon, I'll be working to stop it. I'll be working to make things right. What's bad about that? I'll be outcasted from society, I'll be deemed insane, unfit to work with children, and I'll more than likely not gain anyone's attention.

I'm torn still. I don't know if what environmentalist craze I'm about to embark on is the right choice. For instance, some of the available technology we have today is saving lives, that would be including my grandmother getting a pacemaker later today. Without this addition, or any of the other several treatments and surgeries shes had, she might have well lived a shorter life. I can't undo the reasons we will get cancer. I can't undo the pollution in the air and water already. I can't undo what has already been done, and I sometimes think about how unfair it is to deny the people who have innocently gotten things like cancer from crop dusting, second hand smoke, etc. At the same time, I don't understand why we are wasting our precious earth's gifts to us on producing gasoline for SUVs for 10million Americans. I want to make big, no HUGE, changes. But I think I'll make a lot of people cry when they start to miss their MTV and their fastfood chains and their Wal-Mart and their gas guzzling SUVs and their trendy clothes and their animal tested make up, and their whitening toothpaste.... for shits sake people! These things are such wastes. They drain the earth, they ruin the earth. You dump on the earth. Do you know how much liter is out there? Why liter and then bitch about the quality of the water you drink? Why do you insist on building strip malls on wetlands and then wondering where your natural purifiers have gone to!? We need to settle it. We need to break people of their need for crap. Their need to just work all day so they can save money for a BIGger house, a BIGger car, more knick knacks, more useless different colored throw pillows, more things they'll throw away. Do you know how much can be saved if you brought your own bag to carry your groceries out of the store in and not take paper or plastic?? Think about how many times you get a plastic bag... or a paper one. How much do you reuse it? Where does it end up? Do you recycle EVERYTHING that can be recycled? Where do your tires go when you are done with them? What happens to the environment when you aren't paying attention.

Yesterday, I woke up early and wrote the wrong paper for my Playwriting class. It's all good, I'm still going to write the correct one for tomorrow. Playwriting was fun, then I went to Bio. We talked about water and the quality and quantity around the world. After that I ate lunch really quick, then headed to Apple School where I now work. I was the teacher's assistant for the five year olds. I actually had a blast with them. It was awkward because the first time half of them saw me was when I woke them up from their nap, they were a tad bit confused. Anyway, once I helped feed them I gained their trust. Then we headed to the playground, where I was very useful for many imaginations. I was a plane, a mama penguin, a pilot, a guard, and the protector against viscious dinosaurs (I got one hand bitten off, but my baby penguins were just fine). All in all I got to spend three hours in recess, and I loved every minute. I miss being that age. I didn't know too much about the world outside of my school and my backyard. Now that I know what I do, I want to change the world. I want to make it better in so many ways. It's actually killing me inside to think about how I'm not going to be able to change the world single-handedly.

Recently, I've been daydreaming about a few things. One major thing, is making a community of my own, which essentially does without western civilization. It sounds crazy, it really does, but... I want to save the world. I'm thinking about how we pollute, we liter, we trash the earth, we remove the vegetataion, we let erosion cause emence mudslides, we build high rises, new suburbs, and factories. The suburbs move more people into a crowed place, the factories dump into rivers, they let off pollutants in to the air. SO we are trying to do something about all of this right? Yeah, too bad everything will be tied up in legislation, and in voting, and in the courts, and lying around on senators desks till the cows come home. Speaking of cows... I helped grill a cow tonight, it sort of disturbed me in a way I can not describe. Being a vegetarian has really changed me. Anyway, back to the other stuff. I'm tired of sitting here wondering why recycling, why creating an organic waste pile outside my house for fertilizer, why not eating meat, why being an environmental activist, why doing anything towards the "Save the Earth" campaign is not helping more. Then I look at what I'm wearing, where I shop, how I get to the store, where I live, what I do for fun... and I'm still a consumer whore. Not on purpose, but its unavoidable in the society I have grown up in and now reside in. It's tearing me up... I have a lot more to write on this subject, and a lot more to explain about creating a community... but I'll save it for next post.

Today I received an email from the Chancellor... yes, MU Chancellor. It was addressed to every student at the university. For about a page and a half to two pages, I was updated on everything the Chancellor and his wife are doing, who is achieving things on campus, and the people who went and sang in NYC Opera House... but on Sunday a fellow student committed suicide. He jumped out of a top floor of a resident hall and it has been reported by the news he left a note. This student died. On campus, after jumping out of a resident hall... and the Chancellor didn't even mention it. Instead, I've gotten countless emails about worthless shit going on campus, or who got awarded what, or the politics behind Snyder leaving... BUT NO ONE MENTIONED THAT THIS KID IS DEAD. Absolutely no one. It's been looked over on purpose to save face for this fucking university. 

If you know me, you know that I'm beside myself with how this is being treated by our university. Obviously, all that "improvement" the Chancellor is talking about, wasn't doing much good for this kid. I want to know why he's being overlooked, and this issue of suicidal tendencies by students being pushed under the rug.

I left for StL on Friday night and made it there in pretty good time. I stayed the whole weekend at Andrew's family's house. It was a blast. On Friday night Andrew, Les, and I all went exploring the grocery store for beer and wine, then all of the family ate East Coast Pizza (and the return of TASTY KAKES!). It turned out that at one point all of Andrew's siblings (Luke, Leslie, and Charles) came over and it was a ton of fun just chatting and hanging out with them. It kind of makes me wonder what Jaclyn and I would have done if we had more siblings. Hehe. Anyways, we helped clean up dinner and then called it a night. On Saturday morning we were off to Luke's indoor soccer game and to pick up Andrew's step neice and nephew. Luke's team won I think it was 10 to 4. He got a ton of goals himself. Then of course we had room to tease him the whole rest of the day about getting ready for his school dance with his girlfriend. I helped with Jonas (two and a half years old) and Jayca (six months old) for the majority of the day, which I didn't mind at all really, since they were a lot of fun... well minus getting thrown up on. Anyway so at some point in the day Andrew discovered he had a flat on his car, and later on at Walmart we discovered it was not fixable. So he had to buy a new tire on Sunday morning. Luke got ready for his dance on Saturday night and we all followed him over to his girlfriends to embarrass him and take pictures. Then they were off to dinner, and so were we! We got back and had a very yummy manicoti dinner and then Andrew, Les, and I went to Andrew's dad's house. We watched some of Thirteen Days ( I want to finish it, it looks good) and then went out bowling with his girlfriend and her son and her son's friend. We had a good time, then after returning to the house for a few more minutes of Thirteen Days, we went and picked Luke up from his after dance party. He said he had an amazing time, which is great!

Sunday morning, we had pancakes that were AMAZING ( I was seriously getting spoiled over there). I hung out with the kids again and then got ready for my day of visiting family who assumed I had just gotten into town and stopped in to visit Andrew's family. So we headed off to my parents first. We stayed, ate lunch, because it is impossible to escape my house without eating... and then we went over to the mall to get Laura a teddy bear. Build a Bear... ugh, yes Build a Bear one of the stores I don't know why, but I just don't want to go into, had THE perfect bear for Laura. The bear was all green with little clovers on him. Happy St. Pats!! Anyway, I know Laura would appreciate the appearance of the bear, so I went for him. Andrew drove me over to St. John's and I went in to the hospital on my own. I found Laura's dad in the hall and talked with him while the nurses were cleaning Laura. I was excited to see her!! I finally did get to see her and she looks fantastic! She has a lot of rehab to do, but I know she's strong and she'll make it. Her room was absolutely amazing with all the cards, balloons, flowers, etc. I know that a lot of people are keeping Laura in their thoughts and prayers. I was able to stay for quite a bit and meet Laura's parents and talk to them about school and Laura's progress in person. I gave the bear to Laura and told her I was happy to see her, she looked fantastic. It was hard to see such a smart young woman like that unable to communicate and unable to be very mobile. I hope that she approves with everyday! Finally, I went to see my grandparents and cousin and my cousin's husband and their son. My grandparents got to meet Andrew!!! I'm so happy! I think we are both slowly integrating eachother into the other families as a wake up call that we're serious about being together. My grandparents seemed to really like Andrew and were cracking jokes about one another and talking about the family in general, it was pretty awesome. So after our visit we headed on home to Columbia. We didn't make it all the way home before we both decided that we needed some new movies to watch that night. We ended up getting three movies for 25 bucks... Crash (AMAZING movie), CHarlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Batman Begins. Oh, and we are borrowing Catch me if You Can from Luke.

And that was the weekend. I'm pretty fricking tired still... and I might be sick, but eh, it was all worth it in the end!

PS- I got some comments on my last post for two people I don't recognize, lemme know who you are kids! I'm curious!

First off, thank you Catherine for that amazing comment! I always find comfort in your words and I know that you and I share a lot of the same feelings and ideals in life, so it helps to be reminded that I'm not evil, I'm just following my dreams.

This weekend I've decided I'm going back to St. Louis. I called my grandparents and made sure I could come visit and if it was alright to bring Andrew with to meet them. My grandmother has been out of the hospital since Tuesday and during our long chat she says she's doing much better, so that's good news. Unfortunately family will be family, so I didn't want to pit my grandparents against my own parents, and so I just told mom and dad I'd be home for one day (no overnight) and that would probably be Sunday. Why Sunday? Because that leaves me enough time to figure out which day my parents will be at my grandparents and avoid that situation. I'm being bad. Anyways, I'll be able to go see Laura now at St. John's and I'll stay with Andrew's family and hang out with his sister. She's had a rough week, so I figure we'll have some fun and make it at least a good end to a so-so week.

Now that I get to see my grandparents, I'm battling over bringing them into all my rather "disapproved" actions for the future. I know I don't need the approval to do these things, but I really want to sit down and talk to my grandparents, seriously, about my future and what they think of it. If I'm lucky they will go back and tell my parents they are being dumb, because, well, grandparents spoil their grandkids! I don't mean with money, I mean with advice and with approval. Like when my mom and dad HATED my hair after I dyed it, my grandparents said to leave me alone about it because I was just trying out new things. Ok, these are strict conservative Lutherans we are talking about here. That's amazing to me. Anyways, I trust my grandparents' opinion more than that of my parents. Why? Because my grandparents have raised four of their own children, not to mention at some time or another, raising their children's children... and as of recently... a child of their children's children. Scary huh? Well, I think they have a BIT more experience with raising families. They've been through hell and back with all sorts of issues, and here I am wanting to do a few simple things that do not effect my parents AT ALL, so whats the big deal. I'm about to find out from the gparents if I'm lucky.

In other news, I'm still going to die if I don't ever sleep through a night. This is getting beyond ridiculous. I just can not sleep. I can sleep when I don't need to or it's the middle of the day, but I can't sleep at night. There's all sorts of factors, but the biggest one is just my damn brain. I can't shut it off. Therefore, insomnia continues to rule my life. Last night I listened to Andrew breathe for over an hour and a half. I didn't even realize it was that long. That alone should have made me go to sleep. :P Anyways, I'll figure out a way to run myself down during the day I'll have no choice but to sleep at night. Hopefully.

I think last night in my waking hours, I decided that I will get on myspace or something like that to keep in touch with some people I couldn't get ahold of through my massive email updating everyone on life. I know that I really don't want to do it, but hell, I guess I should get over the "trendy" block I have against everything and just see how friends are doing. If I had still been on livejournal prior to Laura's accident, I would have known more about what was going on in her life and how she was... instead nearly three whole months after the last time I talked to her, she was in a car accident and I felt like a horrible friend. She's making progess by the way, and I'm really excited to go see her!!

I've typed enough today... I still have a shitload to tell you, but I'll save it!

I went home this past weekend to St. Louis. I did not get to visit my grandmother in the hospital, nor did I get to visit Laura in the hospital. Both things are upsetting and I really had hoped to not have someone's determination to make me do one thing, fuck everything else up. Don't get me wrong, I loved visiting with my aunt and uncle, its been a long time since I've seen either of them. I loved seeing Jaclyn too. I, however, never brace myself properly for getting beaten down with disapproval from my parents. This time, the front was mainly on that of my mother... my father didn't have much to say, because he wasn't there for most of it.

You know that guilt game people that are really low play? The one where they will guilt you into doing what they want you to because they make you feel like shit for what you want to do. They tell you about all your other mistakes, and how they were right then too... even if they don't know what the fuck they are talking about. That's how I feel with my mother. I want to believe that mom knows best, I want to believe that her being my mother can somehow make her more likeable... well it ain't happening for me anymore. I've made my fair share of "mistakes". Like that big whopper she always brings up... "you know, Sarah, that time you tried to fucking kill yourself and me and dad had to come save you". Should I really tell her I begged the ER not to call them? This is crap. I'd like to move on with my life, I'd like to learn and grow, but she's like a god damn choking vine, holding my feet down so I can't grow and I'll always be a few words away from that same "mistake" that mysteriously gets drawn into every conversation.

So what of it now you might ask? Well, it's still about my future.... ok one second, I'd like to review a few things that have been DENIED as experiences I'm allowed to have if I'm to remain a part of my faimly: Peace Corps- this one is HUGE, in fact, I even saught out my own counseling to figure out what I should do, the result was that I should remain a part of the family and go for something less than moving to another country for two years to help mankind; moving to Chicago- this city is my parents home town, in fact I had done research, approached them with graduate schools I wanted to attend, etc etc... I wanted to fund everything on my own... and I mean everything, what did they say? "Well if you do this your education in Missouri was a waste of money" I went on to explain how teachers become certified in other states, didn't matter they weren't listening; going to grad school for something that is not education- sure, I might want to do something else, but you know what, I sure as hell can't "waste" more money to go to school for that something; and now...getting married- I didn't say tomorrow, I mean a year and a half from now... and my mothers opinion? wait three years, and then maybe get married IF there's enough money, but if Andrew hasn't paid off his loans... wait till thats done.   WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!? I understand being financially stable, I understand she doesn't want to feel obligated to help me later on and "correct" anything she might have thought was a "mistake" on my part. But this is complete bullshit. Andrew and I love eachother. Love...each...other. As in, that means we will do whatever it takes to make our lives together work. This is also why we would both like to save money after I graduated and move in together Jan. 2007. You can imagine what my mother said, HELL NO. It looks "bad" for us to be living together when we aren't married. We can't keep our hands off eachother and she thinks I'm going to get knocked up. We both would not mind getting married right after I graduated, but we, ourselves, felt we needed a little time to get settled and bring home some paychecks so that we are able to afford a small wedding. Evidently, this isn't good enough planning on our parts, and love can ''wait'' in my mother's opinion. She left the conversation with "the first person you are intimate with will always feel like true love and the 'one' but you can't always trust that..." and "but I know you, and you'll do whatever you want, so...". Like it was a fricking challenge or something! I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I have to get my point across to my parents.

There's more.. but you know how it is...