So for Valentine's Day, I requested a set of aeorbic DVDs so that I don't have to brave the gym atmosphere and still get into shape again. Of course, who better to aspire to have abs and ass like than none other than Carmen Electra. She's hott, even I'll say it. Anyway, there are five DVDs of different levels, and types of work outs. Oh and am I ever feeling it now! I could not have asked for anything better. Working out will now become a daily routine. I am up to an average of about 300 crunches a day (I did 500 yesterday because I felt like I ate a cow in equivalence to the mound of chocolate I ate).  I have to remember that I don't have metabolism like I used to.

In other news, Catherine, I don't think I told you this, but I've been a vegetarian for a little over a month now (with only one slight incident of some meat replacing some beans in some mexican food..boo)! And oh my goodness, I know how you and Kelly must feel now... there's hardly anything without fricking CHICKEN in it at restaurants. Even the damn salads! I counted, at Applebee's there's TWO things on the menu without meat or seafood...and both of those are appetizers.
I'm hanging in there, and feeling good about it. I'm still sticking to the least amount of caffeine intake possible... which means no caffeine except for the crap load of Valentine's chocolate I'm trying to go through asap.

Valentine's Day was aaamazing. I was very excited to see Andrew make me dinner. It was really good... which means of course I'll have to convince him to make dinner more often. We made a chocolate cake together (I know, I didn't need anymore chocolate, but eh, it's a holiday) and had a great time. I got some lovely gifts, and I gave a few nice gifts too. I won't bore you with much more detail than that. Needless to say everything was, well, amazing! Everything a girl could want and more.

Today I went and got my haircut... its actually not as frigthening as before! Hehe. No really, its one of the better haircuts I've had. I will be attempting to straighten my hair daily, with my new bitchin' straightner... hold the phone... I think I'm going through a transformation here! I'll have to care about my hair!! GASP. But I'll soon be getting new glasses to go with this new-do (Monday is the appointment). Yeah, my eyes are getting worse, so after three years of these glasses, it's time for some new ones.

I've let this post sit all day without posting it... brilliant! Anyway, now I have things to add. I'll be in StL this weekend visiting my uncle and aunt from Chicago. I was excited to introduce Andrew to them and go out for dinner. I had also planned on going to see Laura this weekend at St. John's because I have yet to see her!!! Well, just a little bit ago I was informed my grandmother is in the hospital... not the same one as Laura... so I'm a little scared of whats up. My parents say its not serious and to worry about getting home, they'll tell me more when I get there. But I'm not worried about getting home, I am worried about my grandma! I don't think it's fair to not tell me what's going on. Gr.

I'll end this entry here and worry about the rest of what I have to say for the next one.

This semester isn't very challenging... in fact the busy work in my classes are a faint reminder of high school. Sadly, I've got some time before the semester is over.

I finally switched my placements to St. Louis districts and hopefully thats where I will be placed for my student teaching in the fall. It will be quite different living at home again with my parents, but I'm willing to do it so I can have a good start to my life in the working world. It's pretty much decided that the BS is where I'll end my college career, though I'm not sure if that will change by the time I graduate. Being a graduate student holds no appeal to me anymore other than going for a Special Education degree and certification... I don't care about pay raises on the pyramid of teachers and their education. I want to be happy, and right now I don't believe that burning through another two years of college will make me happy. I honestly believed I was burnt out two years ago, I don't want to push my luck.

So as I've made this decision, I'm attempting to factor in Andrew and I as a couple and where our future will take us. Right now Andrew is planning on entering the working world, hopefully in St. Louis. I know he wants to go to graduate school, but he won't be going in the fall because he did not take the GRE nor did he apply anywhere. He has loans to worry about and I have a full time schedule to worry about. How will we piece it together I wonder... but hopefully things will work themselves out and we will be able to be together after my graduation.

I'm anxious to get stuff done. I just want to be done with school, have enough money to support myself as I enter a career, and just be freaking happy. That's a lot to ask though. I miss being carefree... whenever that was. I over analyze STILL. I don't know why I can't just fix the things I need to. Why is it that I stress out and start going out of my mind? Lately I've been at a loss as to how I can stay sane with my impatience with people. From being a moron at driving, yelling at me when I'm trying to help, not let me even say two words before talking over me, to being noisey when I'm trying to sleep... people just annoy the fuck out of me. That simple.

While I'm here I'd also like to wish away my insomnia. I'm here at the computer typing in this damn thing when I would really love to be asleep. Andrew is here, sawing logs... yet he believes he does not sleep well on my bed. Right. I don't sleep well ANYWHERE. Try that on for size. I can honestly say I have not gotten a good nights sleep since early December... maybe earlier than that even. I wake up countless times in the night, and most nights I can't fall asleep. Today I almost freaking keeled over I was so dizzy. I know I slept a little, and I ate food and drank fluids, so what the hell is wrong with me. Ugh, I'm even sick of asking the abyss whats wrong with me... goodnight.

Tonight I'm going to see the play Jukebox. It is a play written by my playwriting teacher this semester, Andrea. I was reading parts of the play today (she emailed us scripts) and was sort of interested in how this could really look on stage. In class we went over the ways we came up with our ideas. I was the lone person in the class who went for messages and themes as my driving power. Every other person, including my teacher wrote a character, then wrote a way for that character to live and what conflicts the character would experience. Maybe I'm all backwards in thought... but I was sort of hoping my creativity was good. Eh, I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I don't think I'm in the wrong really. Sometime I'll put my first play on here. Hehe. The class thought it sounded more like a soap opera. Guess I kinda over dramatized. I was just trying to have fun.

I want a job where I can do whatever the hell I want. Too bad that doesn't exist.

I've got a LOT more to type. I'll be back later.

Well, the first week of classes has come and gone. I enjoy my classes thus far, though Monday still holds one class I have not started yet... my one and only TDP class of the semester. My science classes seem relatively easy and I think that they will be at least entertaining if nothing else. I am also in "Job Search" for another three -four weeks, which also remains a relatively useless course for me as I am not a business major, and thats the basis of the course strategy. My favorite course will undoubtely be Playwriting. I think I will have a lot of fun in there. As it stands theres only six students total in there and our teacher doesn't care much for "structrual" plays and has told us that she will not censure nor hold us back in our creative endeavors for the sake of someone else's beliefs in what makes a good play. We'll get along well. :)  Speaking of, I should really be writing my first play (don't worry, only a three page script).

Andrew's mother and soon to be step father came up to Columbia on Thursday to take me out to dinner for my birthday. We went to Flat Branch and had a great time. Andrew's brother Lucas also came up and it was good to see him again as well. I originally was to work yesterday (Saturday) evening, but at the last minute Casey took my shift and I was able to go to St. Louis. Reason for going to St. Louis? Leslie, Andrew's sister, had her 22nd birthday. I like the fact we have birthdays in the same month, she's freaking awesome. Hehe. Anyways, so Andrew and I left for StL mid-day yesterday and ventured into downtown to go see Charles (another Andrew sibling) who works at Hi-Pointe theater. We chatted about his movie (he's making one... sweeet) and about the X-Files mythology sets all of us have been watching, as X Files fans do. We got to see Lucas again, Andrew's dad, and their perspective girlfriends. After they went in to see the movie, we said our good byes to Charles and headed to Leslie's apartment... which is off Skinker too. I got to meet Laura and Mindy, and of course deliver cards and presents to Leslie. By the way, I really want to steal their puppies. Andrew's mom and step dad met up with us there and we all took off for the Landing. We ate at Jake's Steaks and then went over to the bar called The Big Bang where the dualing piano guys did their thing and everyone was merrily drinking and singing. I had an absolute blast and I loved hanging out with Andrew's family. I'm so grateful for them paying for everything and wish they would at least let me help with SOMETHING. :P  Anyways, I'm damn lucky for Andrew and his family.

I ate breakfast with my parents this morning and talked about future plans of student teaching, life after college, Andrew and I plans, and where the hell I should live. I think my parents have finally attained a sense of reality that I won't be under their grasp forever. The conversation was rather painless and they were supportive of my aspirations to be with Andrew and to get settled without debt. Andrew and I also talked about this, and we're both waiting on factors that are not directly controlled by us. For him, its where he will get hired. For me, it's where will the College of Education decide to place me for student teaching? We want to be together, but we both know that if it takes till the end of December, then so be it, it won't break us apart... but as in the words of the very quotable movie When Harry Met Sally "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible".

In other news, my friend Laura from UMR that was in the terrible car accident seems to be getting better slowly. She is now in her own room and finally free of ICU for now. She has had many things happen, but she seems to be recovering. Doctors are uncertain of a full recovery, as she has still not been able to communicate at all with anyone. She has had help sitting up twice, and physical therapy may be right around the corner. Keep her in your thoughts. I'm rooting for you Laura, keep up your powerful strength.

The world may be depressing, but I refuse to let it beat me down ever again.

I'm always asking why things can't happen, or why people act a certain way, or how people can be so disrespectful to others, etc. You know what though, the world will never be perfect, nor do I really know what perfect truly is. For me to even suggest that I understand what is "right" or what is "acceptable" makes me a hypocrite. I have to accept reality, even if I wish it were not reality. I can keep a dream alive in my mind, but at what cost? I drive myself crazy with what I find is the simplistic behaviors an individual should exhibit and does not. For the most part, the average person will fulfill my very low expectations, but then there are the people who do not meet them at all because they are instinctively cruel, self centered, or seek to take advantage of others' weaknesses. There are a dozen other things that I find very repulsive in human beings, and there is only one time I can remember not being disturbed by these... when I was on medication for OCD, OCPD, and anxiety/depression. I was drugged to a point that everyone faded away from my caring and I was left to stare blankly into space without an opinion and without a home for my brain. I could have spent thousands of hours unresponsive in front of a television that way. I didn't have a creative drive in me either. Whats sad is that few things are stopping me from going back to being medicated so that I can get over my insomnia, get over my concern for the well being of others, get over my concern for the people who need a lesson or two, get over my concern for the cleanliness of my surroundings, and get over my distaste for humanity. The things stopping me from turning back to doctors that know nothing about me are; Andrew, Catherine, my sister, my creative endeavors, and my general health. These factors are the only thing keeping me in check, keeping me believing that I might feel horrible about many things, and might not sleep or eat or be able to do another drawing, but I have support... I have people to talk to. So here's me hoping that the strength of these people and these things can lift me above the worst and lowest feelings I feel and sights I see.

I know I said moving out of my house would be the last resort... and I feel like I am on the last resort. I want nothing to do with this house ever again. I wish I could just pack up and go right now. Why is it so difficult for people to be nice? To have a little compassion for the people they live with? To understand what it means to be asked to do something because it is effecting a living situation. Now that I understand it has nothing to do about hearing it, its about hearing it from me, I know that I must move. It's a shame that I am the one moving, but at this point I'll do anything just to not deal with this.

I have some advice for whoever may be reading this: 1) If you are going to share a living arrangement with other people, try to respect what your room mates would like to occur in the household. 2) If you are going to have an attitude, don't take it out on people that do not deserve it. 3) Show some respect for other people's belongings, whether it be something you can eat, or something you eat off of, or the toilet paper you use to wipe your ass. 4) Try and pull your weight in the house, don't sit back and let everyone else clean up your mess and take care of the things you forgot to take care of yourself. 5) Don't blame your room mates for making you live somewhere against your will... you signed the lease on your own. 6) Do not abuse the kindness of your room mates, especially if you are getting a deal, and then abusing it to its extremes. 7) Do not lie to your room mates about the occupants of your room, they know better and don't appreciate being lied to. 8) Do not distribute any source of entering the house, whether it be key or garage door opener, to anyone other than the people whose names appear on the lease. 9) If you are going to do what ever you want to in the house and not take anything your room mates tell you as something you should be looking to correct, at least don't treat them like shit because they actually had the balls to tell you that they were not happy with the situation you were creating. 10) Don't let your occupant of your room receive his mail at the house.

That's just some handy things I would tell someone going to live with other people. Moving on... I am looking into moving out still, and I need to find a subleaser. If you know anyone wanting to live in Columbia, MO... let me know.

School starts on Tuesday, I really hope that I can be out of here by the end of this month. I think this semester will be pretty relaxed in classes and I look forward to spending time with Andrew. I love him to death and without him I don't know what I would do. He keeps me glued together. I think my insomnia has returned, only now I don't have as much trouble going to sleep as I do staying asleep. I don't have enough time to sleep once the school year starts, so I don't think getting perscription medicine is a possibility. I should really be cleaning my room. I'll write more shit later.

I think I'm on day three of hiding out in Andrew's room. Don't get me wrong, I have still gone to work, and out to eat... but for the most part I've just been hanging out in here. I don't really miss my own home that much right now. I wish I could be living here with Andrew full time, even if I can't always sleep perfectly. It would be a sacrifice I'd make in a heartbeat.

I absolutely can not wait for our lives together to start. In reality, the life we share has already began... but I'm greedy and I want school to be over, for us to be married, have a house, and share many memories together. I love him so much that I actually can't get him out of my head even when he's sitting beside me. I feel like I need his support at every moment, and that when we are apart I miss him so much it aches. He looks at me with his beautiful eyes always telling me how much he loves me and asking if I will marry him. Of Course I Will!! I can't wait for the day it actually happens.

We share such weird and unique qualities that I'll never find in another person alive. I appreciate the gift I have been given... Andrew. I am especially thankful for meeting him when I did. He's single handedly broken me down and built me up stronger, and made me completely me, while allowing me to be comfortable being me with him. I have trouble finding words sometimes to describe how truly luck I am. I feel ashamed for the battle I've forced on us to get to this point in our lives too. I was not the best girlfriend at the start of last year, and I screwed up a few times. We broke up a few times... but I will never leave his side again. I am happy that our love for one another has survived. I'm lucky to have someone that can put up with my crabby ass in the morning, and still want to buy me dinner and beautiful gifts for my birthday.

My only question is... is this too perfect? Am I taking anything for granted? I couldn't possibly deserve to be as happy as I am with Andrew. Because we are so in love, will it mean that we will suffer more later for putting our hearts together there on the line where all can see? I hope that our happiness never ends, and I hope our lives together never have to experience pain.... but it's inevitable in life itself. So, here's me wishing that the man I love and the life we will share together will never have to experience extreme hardships. If we do and there's no way to prevent it, I say bring it on.... love conquers all. And I love Andrew.

Today is my birthday.

I think it's kind of crazy getting older, and trying to figure out how far I've come, and how far I still have left to go. I've lived for more than two decades now... and do I really know what I'm doing? Will I ever really know what I'm doing?

Life is never clearly defined to me, no matter how much I would like to have the answers to what my purpose is in this lifetime, or to who I might be serving. Am I serving myself? Am I serving humanity? Do I even believe in fate, destiny, purpose...? I have faith only in myself and my want to survive, and sometimes even that want is so shaken, that I do not know what faith I hold any longer.

I think I'll save the rest of this journal entry for another time.

A Tv my house mates and I were borrowing from our neighbor was repossed this evening. We have no idea why it needed to be so urgent, yet the guys seem to not care what we are thinking over here on our end as they have not responded to any of my questions. So, whatever right? We have no TV in the living room anymore, and we don't know why. Silly indian givers.

In other news, I'm attempting to get hired back as a consultant for IATS. Should be an interesting endeavor. I wonder if they would really hire me back, and if they did, what kind of pay I would receive. Hmm. Things to ponder.

I'm almost 22 and its scaring the shit out of me. I feel like I'm getting 'old' and have no promising future. Well, I take that back... it is promising because of one man, and his name is Andrew. Through our renewed relationship, I have found a lot of strength again, and hope to make the best of our lives together. It looks as though we may stay in St. Louis upon graduations. He graduates in May, and is looking into going to grad school in the Winter Semester 07. I graduate in Fall Semester 06. Not exactly sure if grad school is in my future yet. I'll figure that out better after a summer off before my final semester at the university. When I was thinking of having no promising future, I meant in my abilities and skills... I feel too spread out still; wanting to do so much with such little time. I'm not going to be very strong at anything at this rate, I just want to do a little bit of everything. If thats the case, I don't stand out to an employer as knowing much more than I need to, and only being the average choice. I want to always exceed expectations, but I don't want to lock myself in. I love so many things that I just can't quit a few and focus on the others. I NEED them all. It's weird, I know, but it's.... well it's me.

I really just wish to sleep. That's all I want. But unfortunately when I can physically allow myself to sleep...other sources wake me up. I'm so unbelievably crabby right now I will probably end up loosing it at work tonight and then loose my job. I just can't wait! I haven't slept well since Andrew got back. I guess I can no longer share my bed. I suck.

I was very close to just running a car off the road on my way back to my house after attempting to get SOME sleep at Andrew's. I seriouslly considered it. This person was going ten below speed limit. Then I layed on the horn and started cussing them out... they couldn't hear me cussing obviously, but they heard me honk, and proceeded to slow down. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO CAN NOT DRIVE. I think I'm done driving unless its to work in the very cold. I'm honestly considering getting dressed right now and leaving for work so that I can walk there by 7pm. If only I still had my bike. Then I could go be one of those people I'd love to run over when they are pedaling up hill at 2mph in the center of my lane. If you can't tell, I'm pretty bitter. If people weren't probably sleeping in my house, I'd be screaming bloody murder right now.